At 7 a.m. this morning, my normally angelic wife turned into a she devil. For whatever reason, the meds which have kept her mind calm for days, stopped working. suddenly she was agitated, paranoid, confused and the only thing she wanted was to go see her mom, the mom who lives one thousand miles away in Mexico.
And I was blocking her escape, standing in front of the door, keeping her from running outside into the cold, rainy morning.
She erupted, screamed for her mother to help her, started pounding on me. I bit my tongue, remained passive yet firmly in front of the door, finally wrapping my arms around her and flooding her head with calming words. She is quite strong, especially in an agitated state, and it was all I could do to hold her firm until she slowly began to relax.
I let her go and she fumed and ranted about the apartment, finally breaking into sobs and tears. I gently guided her to the sofa and we sat beside each other as I held her close.
Eventually, she was calm enough for me to suggest we go for a walk, which she agreed to. I’ve found that a complete change of environments is the only sure way to flip her mind from a troubled to a peaceful state.
While walking, she asked me if she was a bad person.
“No, you’re beautiful and loving.”
But as I said these words, I remembered the pain and anguish of her morning outburst.
It is very hard to love a monster, but love is the only way to make this journey.