there are moments when
I dream in peace
a mind released to roam
then others when
the clock grinds on
and night becomes a tomb
I lay now in eternal night
awaiting mindless deep
a craving need to somehow get
a decent hour’s sleep
tio stib
2015, 2018, 2019
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most think the challenge of climbing mountains
is reaching the top
sweating
aching
heart pounding
pushing past fear
step by step
to finally stand victorious
in the rare air
above the clouds of ordinary being
surrounded by distant views
of unclaimed summits
but
with each descending step
the real work begins
returning to the valley of everyday existence
the spirit begins to shrink
atrophy
for it can no longer be fed
by ordinary life
the real challenge of climbing mountains
is never surrendering the summits of our dreams
to stand alone
bold and free
with only mountaintops
for company
tio stib, 2016, 2019
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for fifty years they’d each returned
back to the same cafe
gathered round the same table
these small town knights
slowly sipping coffee
reviving the Camelot of their youth
alive again
in a breakfast of memories
stories swirled
more smiles than scars
the pranks, the mindless adventures
girlfriends real, love imagined
mountains climbed and races won
friends recalled and gone
they talked of how they’d loved this place
had never thought to leave
but life and time had swept them off
to chase their separate dreams
not one head turned to watch them go
the gray men and their ghosts
and silence roared to fill the void
of legends lost to most
tio stib
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rocketing through a cacti forest
past towering sentinels frozen in moonlight
night air and music blasting through the cockpit
singing with Cat Stevens
Riding on the peace train
I’m speeding into wildness at 3 a.m.
crossing into the unknown
road tripping
on the loose
Fall has called me forth
to a season for adventuring
ghosting through the morning mist
as day slides from gray to gold
I’m pulled by hunger into a small cafe
cradling a warm coffee cup
I spy the famished hiker beside me
demolishing a plate full of pancakes
he turns and smiles
Fall is freedom
the work is done, the harvest in
I’m on the road again
mornings are cool now
Fall brings a sharpened awareness
a time to wipe fog from my glasses
as growing sunlight melts shadows from the river
cold water swirls about my shivering thighs
I cast to a distant riffle
the line lays out softly
the fly disappears in a splash
lost in the sweet perfume of pine sap
following a dusty trail of memories
the buzz below me sounds familiar
Jeez!
Damn! Helluva rattlesnake!
all those blue highways
all those maps, long before GPS
all those little country stores
all those stops to buy a soda, asking directions
where the heck is Boggan’s Oasis?
and the magic of those unexpected moments
chasing wild horses through a sea of purple sage
eyeing eagles falling from heaven in their mating aerobatics
cresting a final ridge to discover Shangri-La
an azure lake sparkling in an alpine meadow
immersed
alone
in a hot springs pool
steam rising into nothingness
feeling forever in all directions
soul steeped in gratitude
as sky slips from gold
to pink
to gone
I will not travel these roads again
but they will haunt my heart when
once again
Fall calls the vagabond
to a season for adventuring
tio stib
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Have you ever been on a teeter totter, that long board balanced in the middle where kids sit at opposite ends and bounce each other up and down? If the two kids’ weights are about equal they can take turns levering the other into the air. However, if one kid is much heavier, the lighter one can find himself stuck up in the sky.
That’s me right now, stuck up in the air, in teeter totter purgatory, because my wife’s needs are overwhelming my own and I can’t get my feet back on the ground.
When I started this solo caregiving gig with my dementia afflicted wife, she was still quite functional. She could take care of her personal hygiene, lose herself for hours in painting projects, and sleep through the night. Then, painting became too complicated and we switched to coloring books. Now even coloring simple designs is more than her mind can handle and she constantly turns to me for attention.
Her nighttime neediness has also increased. Once a sound sleeper, she now gets up repeatedly and prods me awake to help her find and use the bathroom, to change clothes, to calm and comfort her after nightmares. This new pattern deprives me of needed rest, leaving me tired and less able to meet the increasing demands for her daytime entertainment.
The balance of my wife’s needs and my own is way out of whack. I need to get some heavy help for my side of the teeter totter. Once more, it’s time to adapt.
tio stib
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I offer the following words from Mother Teresa as a source of inspiration in difficult moments-
People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
-this version is credited to Mother Teresa. It is thought to have been based on “The Paradoxical Commandments” by Dr. Kent Keith.
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It’s the little things that jar me , that pop the denial bubble hiding my wife’s deteriorating dementia.
This morning, it was toothpaste.
When I handed her the tube, she didn’t know what to do with it.
“No problem,” I said, and squeezed paste on the brush for her.
Such a simple task, yesterday she’d done this herself. Today, her mind could not sort it out.
The agony is that there are moments, hours, sometimes days, when nothing seems to change, when part of me believes we have somehow escaped dementia’s death by a thousand little losses.
But that bubble will pop again tomorrow when I hand her the tube of toothpaste.
For now, I’ll keep pretending, it’s how I stay sane.
tio stib
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