My Dementia Diary 50 – Marathon Man

I’m better suited to marathons than sprints. My most satisfying successes have been the result of disciplined and persistent efforts focused on achieving goals over long periods of time. Yes, I’ll admit that such persistence has sometimes turned into close minded stubbornness that compelled me to continue with failed pursuits which should have been abandoned long before. Such lessons had to be learned.

From early on, I was never much of a sprinter, not one to jump into things for quick rewards. Part of this was certainly how I was brought up, believing success demands hard work and disciplined effort. I learned the value of patience and persistence. I also learned that success, or at least success as I’d defined it in the moment, was sometimes something I had no control over. More lessons.

Which brings me to now and my present life challenge, a blind man caring for his dementia stricken wife.

I seem to have been perfectly trained for this opportunity. My personality, my values, my previous life experiences have prepared me well. Yet, while I take some comfort in this knowledge, there is also the realization that this is a race where there will be no celebration at the finish line. 

This is a marathon which must be run one day at a time, satisfaction gained only upon reflection each night when I ask myself-

Did I love as best I could?

tio stib

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Spring’s Voices

at last
said the flower to the bee
you’re back, my friend
come dance with me

two birds lit upon a tree
it spoke
please stay
come nest with me

sprouts sprang from sun baked earth
eggs erupted into birth

shutters opened
windows wide
I harkened
to the din outside

the roar of life

is here again
Spring’s voices calling
let’s begin

tio stib

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River of Time

once upon 
a nursery rhyme 
I was born
on the river of time

bouncing
splashing
over waves
with fantasies
and blue sky days

then came the sound of fear
as adulthood thundered near
some hopes were dashed 
some survived
some dreams drown
while others died

river of time
river of time
we all come together 
on the river of time

and so my life has floated on
through rapids wild
past silent songs
a new adventure every day
even as my hair turned grey

river of time
river of time
carry me home
oh river of time

tio stib

2016, 2019

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My Dementia Diary 49 – Happiness!

As my wife whistles joyfully nearby while she works on a coloring project, I wonder why I’m not similarly joyful.

Am I happy with my life? No. Am I unhappy? No. Then what am I?

Unlike my wife’s demented four year old mind, I’m many years past childhood. I can remember those happy days, but then life got complicated and so did happiness.

It seems my feelings about “happiness” have been evolving for years. Childish delight and wonder was run over by a need to accomplish things, win races, climb mountains. There was an ecstatic high when such goals were achieved. This was happiness. Of course, I often failed. Then came a life choice, is “happiness” about winning or simply doing my best? Sometimes “yes,,” sometimes “no,” depending on my mood and maturity in the moment.

Enter the paradox of people. My biggest joys have come in celebration with others. But my darkest times have also been caused by people. Another “happiness” question, do I need to get everything I want or is compromise enough? Compromise has become easier over the years. Age has mellowed my need to climb mountains.

Then I lost my sight. I realized that much of what had made me happy were things that I could see. That world disappeared and I became very depressed. It took some months, but I adapted to my much constrained life and found some satisfaction in being able to operate independently. However, I was a long, long way from “happiness” at that point.

Blindness seems to have prepared me for the next challenge, dealing with my wife’s dementia. My much smaller world fits well with her smaller life needs. Happiness for her is a walk to the water, babbling about all she sees and hears, knowing that I’m listening. Making breakfast together is a delight for her. Visiting with friends is the highpoint of her day. I’m able to make such things happen.

I take satisfaction from such service.

Am I happy? No. Unhappy? No. But, at this point in life, I am content.

Most of the time.

tio stib

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My Dementia Diary 48 – Both Sides, Now

It has been raining in our town, a string of wet, dark, gloomy days that make it easy to stay inside, sit in the easy chair beside my wife as she colors happily, relax, and listen to life happening  around me.

Lost in this oblivion, I heard my mind say, “pay attention-

a familiar song was playing on the radio. It was Joni Mitchell singing “Both Sides, Now.”

Both Sides, Now

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I’ve looked at clouds that way
But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It’s cloud’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way
But now it’s just another show
You leave ’em laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away

I’ve looked at love from both sides now
From give and take and still somehow

It’s love’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud,
To say “I love you” right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I’ve looked at life that way
But now old friends they’re acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed
Well something’s lost, but something’s gained
In living every day.

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

Joni Mitchell, 1968

These words pulled me into a cosmic pinball game, emotions flashing, as my heart bounced up, down, and around through forgotten memories. Yes, I’d heard this song before, but not the way, years later,  I heard it now. 

I was left with two thoughts-

Joni Mitchell is a heckuva songwriter and musician.

I really don’t know love or life at all.

Both Sides, Now

tio stib

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Sorely Missing Wilderness

I woke with an aching soul
a yearning to be free
away, apart, alone again
just wildness and me

humanness had left me dumb
senses dulled, spirit numb
and then I heard the ancient call
smiled
walked out
and left it all

rambling down an empty road
I crossed the last frontier
and stood once more in wilderness
and heard my heart beat

here

here

here

tio stib

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