for the first time
in seeming months
we sat at water’s edge
mesmerized by stillness
listening
to the gentle lap of waves
feeling the warmth
of afternoon sun
slowly melt our frozen souls
shadows passed
as geese honked overhead
laughing children scurried by
Ah…
I heard a voice within
at last,
there is hope again
tio stib
You might also enjoy: Blind Man on a Bench, Life Journey Poems and Prose
Lately, I’ve noticed many lonely souls hanging out in sad solitude. The single seaters at Starbucks poking at their computers or pretending to read the newspaper, the odd person eating alone at restaurants, the commuter train filled with folks entranced by their mini-video screens with nary a glance at fellow travelers. It’s easy to spot the single folks, especially if you are, like me, one of them. Which makes writing this post so easy.
Let me put a different spin on loneliness and offer its advantages:
1. Living alone means making the bed is optional rather than submit to the control freak compulsions of a significant other.
2. Bing alone means that making pancakes for breakfast on Friday at 9 p.m. requires no excuses.
3. Lonely people don’t have to share the last cookie not to mention feel the least bit guilty eating it.
4. Being alone means you can squeeze the toothpaste tube any darn way you want.
5. Alone means you can watch any television channel you want or those dvd’s you’ve been too embarrassed to share, and drink all the beer or eat all the ice cream you feel like in the comfort of your underwear, without any snarky feedback except perhaps from the pleading eyes of your dog. Okay, if you’ve got a dog you can’t possibly be lonely and don’t need to read the rest of this list.
6. Being alone means you need not explain to anyone just why you feel like blowing up balloons and then stoping on them after a trying day at work.
7. Alone means you can change the color of lipstick you wear every day without your room mate asking “Is something the matter?”
8. Single means that when you order a medium pizza you suddenly have enough “food” to last two entire days.
9. Being alone makes grocery shopping so much easier. “Did she say Toasty Crunchies” or was it “Chocolate Crispies?”
10. There is a singular bliss in solitude knowing that you can fart however and whenever you want.
11. Sleeping alone means you don’t have to pretend you are sleeping when he/she comes home late wanting to talk. Another plus on the subject of sleep is that alone means you don’t have to worry about snoring, unless, like me, you snore so loud you wake yourself up.
12. Being alone means you already have the one audience who will always listen to you. Yourself.
13. Perhaps the greatest gift of being alone is that now you are absolutely, totally available to whatever opportunity comes along. This means that when that elder gentleman in the tuxedo and top hat walks up to lonely you sitting by yourself in the coffee shop and says, “Excuse me, I can see that you are lonely and my anonymous employer has authorized me to hand you this round the world travel ticket including a check for $500,000 to cover expenses. The only stipulation is you must leave this week and you must travel alone.”
Of course, you can have only one answer-
“Me?”
And lastly, being “alone” makes you part of one of the world’s biggest ironies-
Consider this, you are sitting in solitude, feeling down, hoping that your life will change. At this very moment, all around the planet, there are millions of fellow loners just like you, with similar thoughts. Conclusion: you are actually surrounded by a sea of fellow solos. None of you are even close to alone.
I’m waiting for someone to stand up in Starbucks and shout, “Hey! Is anybody else lonely here?”
I’m listening…
from Tio Stib’s archives, the empty times before he met his wonderful wife. No, it wasn’t at Starbucks.
I often return to Marianne Williamson’s thoughts on fear when feeling small and lost. Her words never fail to spark the light of hope within me.
tio stib
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are born to manifest the glory that is within us. It is not within some of us, it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear our presence automatically liberates.” others.”
-Marianne Williamson, “A Return to Love, Reflections on the Principles of ‘A Course in Miracles’”
Dirty Snow
there are days
sometimes weeks or more
when my spirit knows
that the purity of newness
the first flakes of snow
have been trampled
discolored
covered in ash and fallen smog
and life
my daily exercise
becomes a journey
of hope and expectation
waiting for the magic moment
when sun reveals
a patch of sparkling green
from beneath
dirty snow
tio stib
2015, 2018
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She cried last night. She was afraid. Something was unsettled in her mind, but she could not explain it. I hugged her close and kept whispering that I loved her. Slowly, my wife began to relax and eventually fell asleep.
I lay awake and thought about what had just happened. My wife and I have never talked about her dementia, her failing mind. Months ago, when I realized what was happening, I’d wanted to have that conversation, but, by then, it was too late. Her brain could not grasp dementia rationally. Instead, she became angry, upset because she thought I was criticizing her. I’ve not mentioned the subject since. Yet part of her knows that something is wrong.
Sometimes, in the middle of another conversation, she will stop and ask me, “what’s happening? What’s the matter?”
And I hug her even tighter.
tio stib
You might also enjoy: My Dementia Diary 7 – The Marvelous Mind
It is estimated that the human mind processes from 50,000 to 70,000 thoughts each day, 35-50 thoughts each minute. All this happens within a mass of about 3 pounds that has over 100 billion neurons fed by 400 miles of blood vessels. No wonder the human brain demands more energy, about 20 percent, than any other body organ.
As marvelous as our brain is, we often take it for granted.
Until it stops working.
Until some neurons stop firing, and a person can’t count backwards from ten anymore.
Until something short circuits, and the brain doesn’t remember who was just on the phone.
Until someone starts stuttering, unable to find the right words they want to say.
Until reality becomes a series of fragmented stories.
Then, we stop taking the marvelous mind for granted. Then we wonder how after spending millions of dollars and countless hours researching dementia, scientists still do not have a single drug that can cure or even help with this condition.
Then we scream in frustration as we watch the person we love fall farther and farther away from us.
tio stib
You might also enjoy: My Dementia Diary 6 – A Shared Life
“for better for worse, in sickness and in health, ’til death do us part.”
These thoughts are part of many marriage ceremonies, I’ve committed to them myself. Yet, until recently, I’ve never fully grasped their significance.
In the past, the bumps on our life road were never terminal, there was always a way out, there was always tomorrow, things would get better, time was on our side.
That’s not our reality now. Alzheimer’s dementia is no game of the day, not a trivial illness that will go away, we’ve now entered a path that is one way only, and it well end only one way.
Most of us take all measures to avoid the subject of death and dying. In younger years, I was certainly that way. However, later in life, death has knocked on my door several times and I’ve learned to open my heart and appreciate the gift of being with other’s as they end their life journey. Is this tough work? Beyond words. But, so are the rewards.
Being blind has humbled me. Blindness took away many freedoms, many activities and experiences I often took for granted. Our life now, our shared life, is simple. There are no complicated agendas, no long “to do” lists. We get up and enjoy the wonders of a new day. I listen as my wife delights in describing hummingbirds hovering at the feeder, as she greets passersby and talks to children, and reminds me we have to buy more cookies.
Our shared life has become a series of special days. Our special days have become a series of precious moments.
tio stib
You might also enjoy: My Dementia Diary 5-“Groundhog Day”
In the 1993 fantasy comedy film, “Groundhog Day,”the main character, a weatherman named Phil Connors, discovers that he has become stuck in a time loop where the day he is living repeats itself over and over. No matter what he does, Connors wakes up to the same day, again and again.
Connors soon realizes that no matter what he does, no matter how insane his actions are or how much he messes up, no one will remember. He will wake up tomorrow and start all over again. However, it also becomes apparent that whenever he does something that improves the lives of others, this good carries forward and when he wakes up the next day, the world is better.
I find myself in my own “Groundhog Day” loop, but mine is no fantasy.
My wife’s deteriorating mental condition has resulted in her mind not being able to remember anything in the recent past. This means that when I screw up, as I often do, and say something that upsets her, she gets angry, but in a short time, if I’m patient and let the storm pass, she soon forgets all about what had happened.
I get to start all over again.
My daily focus is my wife’s happiness. Still, my ego, my expectations, jump up and bite me far too often. I say the wrong things. I don’t pay enough attention to her. I get angry at life. She gets upset and pulls away. Realizing my mistake, I go into sooth and patience mode, and eventually we get back to calm again. I store the experience in my mind and the next day, I do my best to avoid a recurrence.
I’m getting smarter at recognizing the triggers that have set me off previously, taking better care of balancing my own needs to minimize frustration, enjoying the purity of my wife’s simple joy of being.
Will I escape this time loop? Phil, committing to make himself and the lives of those around him better, eventually does so through the power of love.
At this point, love is the only answer that holds out hope for me.
tio stib
How is dementia diagnosed? Yes, there are brain scans and other tests that can show evidence of damage that could cause dementia. When my wife had her seizure five years ago, a brain scan was done. A a neurologist whom I trusted, observed no irregularities with her brain. The doctor’s best explanation for the seizure was emotional stress. Dementia was not mentioned. MY wife was in good health, 55 years old, and had no family history of dementia. Yet, within months, changes in her behavior became evident. For many, this is how dementia is diagnosed.
When a person’s mental ability begins to diminish, when memory begins to falter, when daily activities such as preparing a meal become difficult, dementia, although hard to accept, becomes obvious. Unfortunately, by the time such behavior becomes apparent, the disease has significantly progressed.
Further research has led me to several conclusions. Dementia is a complicated disease with multiple symptoms and multiple possible causes. Millions of people all over the world suffer from dementia and the number grows as life expectancy increases. Finally, despite years of research, countless hours and dollars, spent in search of a cure for dementia there is not a single drug available that can successfully treat this disease.
Does this mean that a diagnosis of dementia is hopeless? No, new research demonstrates that for those in the early stages of the disease, there are treatments that can arrest and possibly reverse some forms of dementia. However, when dementia has progressed beyond a certain point, there is no turning it back, at least for now.
This is where I find myself with my wife’s condition. She now exhibits all the symptoms of Stage 2 Alzheimer’s, putting her in the middle of the disease’s typical progression. After recent consultations with several doctors, I don’t think it is realistic to believe that my wife’s condition is going to improve. Instead of continuing a search for a miracle cure that does not realistically exist, I’ve chosen to focus on doing things that maximize our daily happiness. Briefly, this means keeping our life as simple as possible, prioritizing activities that bring us health and joy, and being grateful for our many blessings. No, I’m not giving up on some future development that might successfully treat her dementia, rather I’m choosing to make the most of what we have now.
A walk in the sunshine along the beach, listening to birdsongs, stopping to smile at children playing, smelling the first fragrant flowers of Spring feels like a much better way to live our life together than wasting time hoping another brain scan will somehow change the course of our life.
The internet is full of information about dementia, it’s causes and treatments. My taste for rational scientific thinking led me to Dr. Dale Bredesen’s book, “The End of Alzheimer’s.” Bredsen observes that dementia, in particular Alzheimer’s, is a complex disease. He offers a protocol that evaluates a number of proven factors that might be contributing to a person’s dementia. Scientific tests have demonstrated that for some people, treatment of these factors can improve the dementia condition. There is no miracle cure here, rather a thorough and practical approach to understanding and possibly treating Alzheimer’s.
Here’s the link to “The end of alzheimer’s, the First Program to Prevent and Reverse Cognitive Decline.”
Wishing you a road to happiness.
Tio Stib
there is a dream
that I hold dear
of times when men
have grown past fear
when lies and hate
have blown away
when hope and love
guide each new day
yes
this may be fantasy
something that can never be
but I need this dream
to feed my soul
to guide me places
I need go
I dream of one day seeing
a world filled with
good humans being
tio stib
2017
You might also enjoy: “Desert of Dreams,” “First Snow”
