I used to pride myself on my independence, my self-reliance. I’d been brought up believing that real men dealt with their own problems, asking for help was a sign of weakness. Yes, I’ve learned that such prideful small mindedness is foolish. Blindness humbled me.
Still, it’s hard to let go of old habits, such as the notion that I can be the sole caregiver for a wife whose dementia continues to deteriorate. Being blind has certainly lowered my resistance to ask for assistance. I have no qualms about asking a passerby in the grocery store if we’ve grabbed the right kind of cheese or tea. But, when we’re home alone and help is not readily available, I push myself to either find a solution to the problem at hand or just let it pass by as something that doesn’t really matter anymore. Who cares if my wife has matching socks as long as she has one on each foot?
But the daily challenges are increasing. A few weeks ago, I could count on my wife sitting at her desk and coloring happily away for an hour or more. Something has changed inside her brain and now such activity might last only fifteen minutes. The hour I used to have to let my mind get lost in creative writing has disappeared. Now, just when I’m beginning to get into a clear thought, I’m interrupted by my wife hovering over me. She wants attention. She wants to hear that her drawings are beautiful.
Of course they are.
I knew this was coming. I knew when she stopped painting and doing her own abstract designs and moved on to coloring books that her mind was slipping away. I knew that, in time, even the coloring books would be too complicated.
I knew the time would come when the demands of caring for her would overwhelm me.
That time is near.
I’ve begun seeking someone who will visit us for a few hours and help care for my wife, give her the attention she needs so that I can take a break. Someone with a big heart who connects with my wife’s inner joy and who will free me to seek the quiet peace needed to renew my own spirit. There are no adult day care programs in our town, so I’ll need to build our own.
It is time to take care of the caregiver.