Category Archives: dating

Back to Love Basics 7, The Plus Side of Solitude Sucks

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It’s easy to get so wrapped up in trying to find our soulmate that we forget about the pleasures of being alone. In case your suffering from the solitude sucks syndrome, may I suggest the benefits of not having someone else around to share life with.

Consider these advantages of being one and only one-

1. Living alone means making the bed is optional rather than submit to the control freak compulsions of a significant other.
2. Being alone means that making pancakes for breakfast on Friday at 9 p.m. requires no excuses.
3. Lonely people don’t have to share the last cookie not to mention feel the least bit guilty eating it.
4. Being alone means you can squeeze the toothpaste tube any darn way you want.
5. Alone means you can watch any television channel you want or those dvd’s you’ve been too embarrassed to share, and drink all the beer or eat all the ice cream you feel like in the comfort of your underwear, without any snarky feedback except perhaps from the pleading eyes of your dog. Okay, if you’ve got a dog you can’t possibly be lonely and don’t need to read the rest of this list.
6. Being alone means you need not explain to anyone just why you feel like blowing up balloons and then stoping on them after a trying day at work.
7. Alone means you can change the color of lipstick you wear every day without your room mate asking “Is something the matter?”
8. Single means that when you order a medium pizza you suddenly have enough “food” to last two entire days.
9. Being alone makes grocery shopping so much easier. “Did she say Toastie Crunchies” or was it “Chocolate Crispies?”
10. There is a singular bliss in solitude knowing that you can fart however and whenever you want.
11. Sleeping alone means you don’t have to pretend you are sleeping when he/she comes home late wanting to talk. Another plus on the subject of sleep is that alone means you don’t have to worry about snoring, unless, like me, you snore so loud you wake yourself up.
12. Being alone means you already have the one audience who will always listen to you. Yourself.
13. Perhaps the greatest gift of being alone is that now you are absolutely, totally available to whatever opportunity comes along. This means that when that elder gentleman in the tuxedo and top hat walks up to lonely you sitting by yourself in the coffee shop and says, “Excuse me, I can see that you are lonely and my anonymous employer has authorized me to hand you this round the world travel ticket including a check for $500,000 to cover expenses. The only stipulation is you must leave this week and you must travel alone.”

Of course, you can have only one answer…

“Me?”

And lastly, being “alone” makes you part of one of the world’s biggest ironies.

Consider this, you are sitting in solitude, feeling down, hoping that your life will change. At this very moment, all around the planet, there are millions of fellow loners just like you, with similar thoughts. Conclusion: you are actually surrounded by a sea of fellow solos. None of you are even close to alone.

I’m waiting for someone to stand up in Starbucks and shout, “Hey! Is anybody else lonely here?”

I’m listening…

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You might also enjoy: Seattle Sun, Soulmates at Starbucks

Back to Love Basics 4, Friends First

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There are the naive few who believe that the way to climb Mt. Everest is to simply by an airline ticket to Nepal, some equipment, and set off to climb the world’s tallest peak, in spite of the fact that they can’t climb the stairs to their bedroom without pausing to catch their breath.

In early years, I was one of the naive minds who took the same approach to building loving relationships.

Consider my first attempt at landing a date-

After years of angst and hours in front of the mirror practicing my technique while trying to cover up uncontrollable acne, I finally got up the nerve to ask Julie out. Seriously hot, Julie had sat in front of me in homeroom for more than two years without me ever saying more than a shy “hello.”

She was standing in front of her locker when I came up beside her.

Julie turned and looked at me.

There was an awkward silence.

She smiled, “Can I help you?”

Stammer. Stutter. Blurt, “Will you go out with me!”

Her smile grew bigger. Either she thought this was a joke or she decided to humor my sweaty neediness.

“Sure,” she said calmly,and added, “what are we going to do?” as she turned to put her books in the locker.

There was a clatter as I feinted against the nearby lockers. An affirmative response had not been anticipated.

Startled by her suitor’s sudden swoon, Julie turned and asked, “are you okay?”

Obviously not, as my many practice scenes in front of the mirror had not included any happy endings.

Another nervous pause.

Longer pause.

Finally, an inspiration popped to mind.

My mouth opened, “and I spoke, “the fish are running. Let’s go to the hatchery and watch them strip eggs.”

There was a loud crash as Julie’s books fell to the floor, followed by resounding echoes of hysterical laughter.

“Are you for real?” she questioned, unable to contain her mirth as I scurried to pick up her books, which I handed to her and then vanished into social reclusion.

Okay. That didn’t turn out as hoped for. It took many months of counseling sessions with my dog, Homer, and many more sessions in front of the mirror, not to mention many more tubes of acne cream, before I finally came up with a date pitch that worked.

I think the winning line was, “Wanna go midnight bowling?”

Although the exact words fail me, I do remember the ensuing experience, painfully etched into the failed relationship files in my mind.

It started out well enough. We walked into the bowling alley, I paid for shoes and drinks, and we claimed our lane. Tina, or maybe it was Shawna, I’ve a tendency to erase negative memories as soon as possible, seemed quite comfortable with the game. I carefully studied her form, and then her bowling technique, noticing she’d already thrown six strikes to my similar number of gutter balls. At this point, she also threw a gutter ball, perhaps a touch of pity coming over her when she looked at the score.

Tina returned to her seat and began to sip her drink. I picked up my ball and turned to face my pins.

Suddenly, bolstered by caffeinated Coke courage, I spun around, bowling ball gripped tightly in both hands, and blurted out, “will you marry me?”

Tina continued to sip her Coke, staring at me, a blank expression in her eyes.

I anxiously repeated my request, “Will you marry me?”

This time there was a response. She dropped the Coke. It fell to the floor and exploded all over my yellow and pink bowling shoes. I dropped the bowling ball as I stared down at the brown liquid chaos. I watched the large black ball fall in slow motion towards my unsuspecting toes.

“Owwww!!!” Again, the exact word escapes me as have most painful relationship memories.

As I danced in agony, the ball rolled into the gutter. another scoreless night as Tina’s bright red hair exited the premises.

Okay. That didn’t work so well either.

Neither did numerous subsequent efforts. Keep in mind that the emotional turmoil that resulted from these failures took months to recover from, and many more counseling sessions with Homer, who is not only much cheaper than a psychologist, he also gives free face licks when he sees me lying despondent on the couch.

Yes, admittedly I’m a slow learner, especially when it concerns social matters. However, to my credit, eventually I did figure out something important.

It is much better to have great friends than to have occasional great sex. Good friends I look forward to seeing again and again. I can’t say as much for some sex partners, although I’m sure those partners couldn’t say much good about me.

I adopted a new dating and relationship strategy. Friends first. I decided that the intimacy I really wanted, that feeling of closeness and security was only possible by building friendship, a process that takes time and commitment. Friendship is not a one night stand. Yes, the bliss of sexual pleasure is alluring, but is often a momentary illusion, a glimpse of something grander. But that something is only possible with dedication to building a mutually rewarding relationship.

May I suggest that if you’re intent on climbing the Mt. Everest of Love, start with “Friends First.”

I don’t expect anyone, especially those youthful in years and filled with love fantasies and raging hormones, to pay much attention to my advice. Each of us must find our own way in life,but I hope you take the time to seriously consider the true value of friendship.

If there is someone special you’d like to be involved with, start with friendship first. If this works and the two of you become respectful, trusting, and supportive of each other, new doorways will open.

Friends first, because if you can’t be friends, why bother?.

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Looking for more Love and Relationship Help? Get “Remedies for Reluctant Romantics, 100 Ways to Win the Love Game” FREE when you sign up for my newsletter. Subscribe with the widget on the right side of my blog.

You might also enjoy: Starting Over Again, Back to Love Basics; Back to Love Basics 3, Give the Love You Want

The Ultimate Romantic Gift, or How To Save Your Ass When you’ve Really Made Her Mad

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You spent last night on the couch, not because that’s where you fell asleep watching the female
mud wrestling championships, but because “She” the woman you’ve promised to forever hold
and cherish, stomped into the room in the middle of said championships and yelled, “You
worthless pile of bat guano! Do you know what day it is?” At which point She turned around and
disappeared into the bedroom, slamming the door so hard that the car alarm started screeching
in the garage.

Surprised, you watch the referee count down the final pin by ooze covered She Bitch, then turn
down the volume and consider what just happened.

A distant voice stirs in your subconscious. She said something about a day. What’s so special
about this day, besides the mud wrestling championships? Oh. A glimmer of recognition. The big
circle she’s been highlighting on the refrigerator calendar the past few days. The advertisement
for Cirque de Soleil tickets left obviously on the kitchen table. The extra cookies in the sack
lunch. She must have wanted something. Oops! Clarity looms in your limited consciousness.
Today is her birthday! What can you do now? First, go turn off the car alarm, the sound is
driving me crazy.

Much better. Now, since you’ll have the whole night on the couch to consider what to do next.
Let me start the process.

Remember The Love Game, (see previous post). She only expects you to do something nice
for her four times a year, those four sacred days are: birthdays, Anniversaries, Mom’s and
Valentine’s Day. In return, you get clean clothes, cooked food, and, hopefully, some delectable
moments in bed, not to mention the beer she brings you with the week’s groceries. All this for a
few measly niceties four times a year. So much for so little and now you’ve blown it.
Take heart, you’re not the first man to be so stupid, our short sighted history precedes you. But,
do not despair, help is on the way. Tio Stib is going to disclose how you can dig yourself out of
this hole.

First, remember the rules of The Love Game. Remember that women make the rules, meaning
only they really know what the rules are. there’s no way you’ll ever really know these rules.
Women know this, and they like it this way. They like being in control. They like knowing your
ego can be flattened at any moment with “”The Look.”” Yes, women like leaving us eternally
confused by this game. The good news is that most women have some sympathy for the sad
male condition, meaning they will grant opportunities for salvation if men do enough groveling.
So, let’s start groveling.

Face it guys, women like drama. It’s what makes them tick. Part of her reason for stomping into
the living room and raining on your mud wrestling parade was to put some drama into your
relationship. Yes, she was probably really pissed off too, but she wanted to make sure you
damn well knew that. So, how do we get back into The Love Game now that we’ve fallen off the
ladder?

Think Ultimate Romantic Gift. What would this be? What can you give her that will so amaze her
that your current worthless status will be immediately forgiven?
Please pay attention. What I’m about to share is the secret of many happy loving relationships.
There are three ingredients to the Ultimate Romantic Gift. First, it must be Wow! It must be
something so unexpected, so incredible that she can’t believe you’ve done this for her. Second,
it must be a surprise’ something that comes at a totally unexpected time. Something so WOW!
So unexpected that she’s speechless with wonder. And, lastly, it must be something from your
heart. A gift that shows that you really care, not something to make up for yesterday’s screw up.
This surprise gift is “just because.”

Simple, yes? So how do you pull this off?

Start by paying attention. Do your best Sherlock Homes imitation and begin looking for clues.
She’s often quite forthcoming in this way. Listen to what she tells you, read between the lines.
Little thoughts like “ Did you notice Harriet’s new diamond ring,” meaning she doesn’t have such
a trinket. Or, “Sally and George are going on their second vacation in two years,” which is her
way of telling you that you’ve not been on a vacation in five years. O.K., you’ve started paying
attention, you even have some ideas of what might make her happy. Now what?

Remember, the perfect gift is something she really wants and it shows up in her life at the
perfect time. What does this mean? It means you don’t give her a beautifully wrapped box and a
dozen roses the day after she’s sent you off to the loveless desert because you forgot your
wedding anniversary, again. Yes, this may help soften the situation, but remember, she’s
dumped on you because she likes drama and she enjoys watching you suffer. She’s going to
play this for all it’s worth and will not let you off the hook so easily. She wants you to be guilt
stricken, there’s not much else that seems to motivate you.

No, if you really want maximum effect for your Ultimate Romantic Gift, you need to give it on an
unexpected occasion. Not one of those four special days, rather on a day just like any other, a
day when you give her this special surprise “Just Because.”

“Just Because” gifts are the arrow straight into a woman’s heart. That is, of course, assuming
you’ve not totally forgotten the other four special days. If you’ve done that, it won’t matter how
many “Just Because” gifts you bestow upon her. She’s going to think you’re a lazy, self-absorbed
jerk. And, of course, she’s right.

No, “just Because” gifts are for the rare occasions when you truly stop and appreciate how
much “she” loves you and how empty your life would be without her.
Let’s summarize. Guys, if you want to stay ahead and win The Love Game, you need to
remember those four special days, birthdays, anniversaries, Mom’s and Valentine’s Day. You
need to pay attention and listen for those clues she will undoubtedly give you to what she really
wants. Then, to really show you care, and to soften the fall when you inevitably screw up, you
do something Wow! “Just Because.”

You can do this guys. You can win The Love Game.

Drop me a note if you’ve got any great gift ideas. After this mornings crash with the wife over the
proper temperature of hot chocolate, I’m in need of some suggestions.

Good loving!

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Need more help? Check out my book “Remedies for Reluctant Romantics, 100 Ways to Sweep
Love Off Its Feet.” It’s fun; it’s practical; and it’s cheap! Here’s the link-

Remedies For Reluctant Romantics

Winning at the Game of Love!
Romance For Dummies…

Adapt, Migrate, or Don’t Be Happy

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A wise friend of mine often reminds me of what his grandaddy said when facing tough circumstances.

“Boy, in life you’ve only got three choices in any dire situation. It’s the basic law of Nature. When facing any threat of impending doom, you can either adapt, migrate, or go extinct. Period.”

Seems like a rather simplistic pronouncement, but as I’ve studied how these words measured up against my own unending perils, I think old granddad summed it up quite well, although I’d modify his thought thus:

“In any perilous situation, man has three choices: adapt, migrate, or don’t be happy.”

How might this apply to man’s’ daily encounters with the arguably most dangerous of species, women? Consider the following example:

He is sitting in front of the television, beer and chips in hand, watching the championship football game. He’s been looking forward to this all week. She marches in, stands defiantly in front of the television and blurts, “The sun’s shining and you’ve promised to cut the grass for weeks. It’s time!”

Adapt, migrate, or don’t be happy.

Consider the options:

Adapt: You could negotiate, promise to cut the grass immediately after the game, never mind that it’s already 4 p.m., and darkness will engulf the yard at 6, not to mention this is a double header day. Or, you could offer to do the yard tomorrow, hoping she doesn’t remember that you’ve already promised to take the family to the Wonderland Theme Park. Yes, you can adapt by trying to negotiate. In this case you’re options are limited as this is the tactic you used the past two weeks in avoiding the task. Next-

Migrate. You could arrange for your buddy Harry to call and then tell your wife he urgently needs your help in fixing his broken hot water heater, you’ll be back as soon as possible. Of course, Harry’s hot water heater is fine, but now you and he can watch the games in the safety of his garage undisturbed by domestic trivia. The downside of this is that Your wife and his wife are also friends and it’s more than likely that they will talk and your wife will soon discover that she’s been scammed, reducing your options to the final

Or don’t be happy. Yes, it may come to this. After reviewing all your other options and their consequences, you may just have to get out and mow the yard or face the continued wrath of your wife. But, wait, perhaps there are other  possibilities. Let’s go back to adapt.

Man’s ability to adapt to changing circumstances has been the single most important means of his survival on planet Earth. What are other ways he can adapt to this crisis? He could call Billy, the teenage kid next door, and offer him $20 to cut the yard, plus a free beer on the side. For an extra $10 he could probably get Billy to wash the wife’s car too. Now, we’re talking bonus points in the Love Game, getting out of the hole and back on top of her graces, (see previous post on The Love Game). Yes, it’s always wise to consider all options for adapting to crisis situations.

Looking for more ideas for how to survive and win the Love Game? Check out my new book, Remedies for Reluctant Romantics, 100 Ways To Sweep Love Its Feet. It’s available on Amazon.

http://www.amazon.com/Remedies-Reluctant-Romantics-Tio-Stib-ebook/dp/B00HM9CN7A

I’m in your corner.

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Tio Stib

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