there are days with voices harsh tempers shattered patience frayed there are days when I find peace in the blanket of grays days when I find solace in the comfort of clouds
As my wife whistles joyfully nearby while she works on a coloring project, I wonder why I’m not similarly joyful.
Am I happy with my life? No. Am I unhappy? No. Then what am I?
Unlike my wife’s demented four year old mind, I’m many years past childhood. I can remember those happy days, but then life got complicated and so did happiness.
It seems my feelings about “happiness” have been evolving for years. Childish delight and wonder was run over by a need to accomplish things, win races, climb mountains. There was an ecstatic high when such goals were achieved. This was happiness. Of course, I often failed. Then came a life choice, is “happiness” about winning or simply doing my best? Sometimes “yes,,” sometimes “no,” depending on my mood and maturity in the moment.
Enter the paradox of people. My biggest joys have come in celebration with others. But my darkest times have also been caused by people. Another “happiness” question, do I need to get everything I want or is compromise enough? Compromise has become easier over the years. Age has mellowed my need to climb mountains.
Then I lost my sight. I realized that much of what had made me happy were things that I could see. That world disappeared and I became very depressed. It took some months, but I adapted to my much constrained life and found some satisfaction in being able to operate independently. However, I was a long, long way from “happiness” at that point.
Blindness seems to have prepared me for the next challenge, dealing with my wife’s dementia. My much smaller world fits well with her smaller life needs. Happiness for her is a walk to the water, babbling about all she sees and hears, knowing that I’m listening. Making breakfast together is a delight for her. Visiting with friends is the highpoint of her day. I’m able to make such things happen.
I take satisfaction from such service.
Am I happy? No. Unhappy? No. But, at this point in life, I am content.
Most of the time.
I wonder if I’ll ever be
happy with just plain old me
accepting what the mirror can see
surrender to reality
stop playing the re-invention game
lusting after love and fame
stop playing other people’s games
hope the world will speak my name
I wonder who I will be
when I give up on changing me
exhaust all possibilities
get up one day and let it be